Carmen Syverson is author of next 2015-2016 MLHS senior student editorial
Divorce Practice
For many young couples, marriage is a scary, yet exciting decision that has the potential to start the couple’s “happily ever after” or potentially end in a nasty divorce. To avoid this gamble, thousands of dating or engaged couples are opting to live together prior to marriage as a “test run” to make sure a marriage between the two would be successful. In fact, according to The Berkeley Science Review, “Two thirds of Americans will cohabitate with a relationship partner, and one half of marriages emerge from cohabitation.” However, research shows that contrary to popular belief, cohabitation has a negative impact on the relationship, the future marriage, and the individuals involved.
Initially, cohabitation seems like an easy alternative to marriage without the possible consequences that often come when two unique personalities attempt to mesh their lives together forever in marriage. With the discouraging divorce rates that define America, many couples are downright afraid of marriage, so by engaging in the less formal relationship of cohabiting, they feel that they can avoid the possibility of divorce, while still having the benefits of living together. Young people see cohabitation as a sure way to avoid some financial issues of marriage because by living together, couples can eliminate certain taxes and still be independent of their own finances, unlike most marriages. Also, numerous couples see cohabitation as a way to practice marriage without the full commitment of exchanging vows. They see this potentially leading to marriage if the relationship during cohabitation grows stronger, but if one or both members of the couple decides to break up, the divorce is much less complicated.
However, despite the popular benefits, cohabitation has its own problems even before a couple would decide to go forth with marriage. In practicing cohabitation, both members of the couple are silently saying that they are not fully committed to the other partner, and this causes much uncertainty. As stated by Linda J. Waite in The Communitarian Network, “The uncertainty about the stability and the longevity of the relationship makes both investment in the relationship and specialization with this partner much riskier than in marriage.” Waite also explains in her text that oftentimes couples who live together refrain from engaging in religious activities because of the stigma of cohabitation in the church. Couples feel awkward in these situations and therefore avoid them altogether. In addition, even though many couples believe they are sexually exclusive while cohabiting, this is rarely the case. Because the two are still living separate lives, the faithfulness to one another is not as strong as in a marriage. Furthermore, as the couple invests in one another, ending the relationship becomes increasingly more difficult. Cohabitation acts as a slow, unsteady arrow to marriage without the target ever in sight.
In addition to negative effects on a relationship, cohabitation also impacts marriages in a detrimental way. By cohabiting, couples devalue marriage, so if and when they decide to get married, they have already lost the idea of a sacred marriage outlined by God in the Bible. Both members fail to see marriage as a life-long, exclusive decision, but instead view it as an extension of their uncertain, live-in relationship. According to Meg Jay’s article in The New York Times, couples who cohabit not only have higher divorce rates than couples who move in only after marriage, but they also have less satisfying marriages. Jay explains this is even more true for couples who cohabit before any thoughts or plans about marriage are communicated. This means that couples who move in together casually bring that same mindset into the much more serious commitment of marriage, which explains the negative consequences on the marriage.
Moreover, cohabitation affects the couple as individuals, and specifically different for men and women. When a couple decides to live together, the motives and expectations of the man and woman are often contradictory because men see cohabitation as a way to avoid serious commitment, while still engaging in sexual activity. They use cohabitation as a way to postpone marriage until they feel they are ready, all the while testing their partner to see if marriage would work. Women, on the other hand, usually see cohabitation as a stepping stone into the ideal marriage, but also a way to clarify their ability to live with their partner. Cohabitation has the potential to impact each individual’s self-confidence negatively, especially for women because each partner is unsure of the other’s feelings or intentions.
In all, despite the wide-known myths many couples believe about cohabitating, this practice only negatively impacts each part of the couple’s lives. Instead of preparing couples for their possible marriage later on, this unpredictable situation raises many questions and concerns between the couple. By postponing living together until a couple is married, they can avoid the many negative impacts cohabitation brings and spend the rest of their lives together in a much more devoted promise of marriage.